I started to doubt God’s goodness. I felt and sometimes believed that I was the exception to all of His promises. I knew God was good, what He says is true, and that He saves and heals, but I just believed He wasn’t going to do that for me. That is what got me into trouble. I once read that the devil doesn’t care if you believe if God loves, heals, and saves other people- but if he gets you to doubt that God is that same loving God towards you- then he has and will continue to plant seeds of doubt in your mind.

 

Eventually I ended up having to quit my teaching job due to the severe pain along with the continual doctors appointments, new medicines, and surgeries. After having to quit my job and having surgeries often, I was at home by myself with a lot of down time.  It was a huge transition for me. I was down, depressed, and in the darkest place I have ever experienced.

 

I started to listen to and believe satan’s lies:

 

I am a burden to my family and friends

God’s not hearing my prayers

My situation is not going to change.

There’s nothing the doctors can do.

If God was going to heal me He would have by now.

I am going to live with this pain forever therefore I will never be able to teach again or have kids etc.

Giving up won’t affect anybody but me.

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I became very suicidal.

It started with a medication but continued on after getting off of it. I prayed many times God would just end it for me.

I was ready to go home to Him.

 

I felt as if I didn’t have any words to pray and was having a hard time doing devotionals or reading my Bible. All I could do was lay around and cry out to Him. I continued to beg him to either take the pain away or take me away.

But I knew in my heart that wasn’t His plan. He chose me to handle this and lead others to Him through it. When I was in that state I kept thinking, If I do this, Satan will win this battle. Because I know that he would want me to give up my faith in God and His plan. I simply couldn’t give satan that power over me.

 

The Holy Sprit continued to put these verses in my head and on my heart. God used His word to save my life and help me fight statan’s lies.

 

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good. To accomplish what is being done now, The saving of many lives. “ –Genesis 50:20

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If I hadn’t continued to follow God, what was intended to harm me would have done simply that- harm me and maybe even those around me. Instead, He is using my story to reach, serve, and bring others to Him.

 

My Grandad texted our whole family this verse when our great grandmother died. “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. “ – 2 Timothy 4:7.  Little did I know this verse he sent planted a seed in my heart when my faith was shaken.  Whenever I was ready to be done and give up, the Holy Spirit continued to put this verse in my head. It helped me to hold on because at the end of my life, I wanted to be able to say that I fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith.

                       

Another verse that the Holy Spirit laid on my heart when I was at my darkest was Matthew 25:23.

His master replied, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things.” –Matthew 25:23

Again, I wanted to hear the Lord say well done my good and faithful servant. I wanted to be found faithful through the dark and hard times as well as the good.

 

After years and years of failed medications, remedies, and surgeries, I was finally approved for a nerve stimulator for my face.

 

God’s hand was moving greatly through this process. My doctor explained it is extremely hard to get insurance to cover this procedure and mine was accepted and covered within 4 weeks. I am also the youngest person he has implanted one of these in. With this stimulator my quality of life has improved so much. I am now teaching Kindergarten and getting back to the things I love.

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Praise God it has helped restore my life tremendously.

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I still have some pain but I am able to go back to work, sleep, eat, spend time with family and friends, and just love life again.

 

I am telling you these things from a place where I am still not totally and completely healed. I think that is important because I used to listen to people speaking or read devotionals about God’s goodness and promises after it their struggle was over and I almost felt like I couldn’t relate because I was still in the middle of it. I have learned that I wasn’t the exception to His promises and neither are you. He is faithful and He

doesn’t lie. His promises are good and true no matter what circumstance you are in. He never has and He never will forsake or abandon us.

 

And I see now, if I would have followed through with ending my life and believed satan’s lies, I would’ve missed the miracle God had planned for me and all of the people God is reaching through me, my story, and my business. I believe all of the times I had faithfully prayed, studied my bible and devotionals, went to church, and learned from my family, friends, and Christian speakers prepared me and strengthened me for this exact time in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God was not shocked or caught off guard by what was happening. He had been preparing me and strengthening me for it my whole life.

 

Creating Led By Grace Designs:

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I had to find myself something to do to keep me busy without causing more pain. So I started to doodle and write out Bible verses and put them all over the walls of my house. I have always loved to doodle, paint, and make crafts, so this was a way for me to worship, read God’s truths, and keep myself busy. When I laid awake at night or crying from pain- I would pray those verses over and over to God.

 

The following verse is the verse the Holy Spirit continued to lay on my heart and in my mind: ” And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk b the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. “ Deuteronomy 6:6-9

 

I truly believe this saved my life. Through praying those verses and reading them and writing them over and over, they were in my heart and my head. And that is what I used to fight satan’s lies. I chose to fight, and I chose to live.

 

Then I started thinking; there are so many people in our world that are hurting.  If they aren’t right now, they are bound to go through hard times eventually. When you are in that moment, it is so hard to pray, remember God’s promises, or even to think of anything positive that could come of it. Satan tries to get you when you

 

are down and vulnerable. So I wanted to share my written out verse so others could fill their homes with God’s word as well.

 

This is when I began led by Grace Designs, and I believe this is how God has used my hard trial to bring others to Him. Not only have I been able to share His word through it, but by doing it and encouraging others, He saved my life and gave me strength to continue on. I have been so blessed to be able to create custom orders, prints, decorations, T-shirts, and more all spreading the gospel.

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TIPS on getting through emotionally and spiritually hard times:

 

Recognize statan’s lies:

 

Examples:

            I am a burden to my family and friends.

            God’s not hearing my prayers.

            My situation is not going to change. There’s nothing the doctors can do. If God was going to heal me He would have by now.

            I am going to live with this pain forever therefore I will never be able to teach again or have kids etc.

            Giving up won’t affect anybody but me

            No body cares

            I am not good enough/pretty enough/strong enough/worth it

 

- It is important to recognize satans lies verses God’s life giving truths. Our loving God would never tell us any of those things. Once you recognize them- go find your Bible and soak in His word and pray. Cling to His truth so that you wont’ fall into and believe satan’s lies.

 

Christian Apparel/Jewelry/Home Decor

Another thing that I did to help me is I found a variety of things to wear with verses or christian sayings on them. Although these are just material things,  they were tangible things that I could constantly see or wear all reminding me of God’s promises.

 

Christian music

Soak in God’s truth through Christian music. I hear stories all the time on Air1 how someone heard a song at the exact right time or they were going to end their life until they heard that Christian song on the radio. And I truly believe God uses music to help us worship him and stay connected to Him.

 

Encourage Others

Encourage others when they’re emotionally down or when you are emotionally down. I’m not sure if this was my way of trying to ignore what I was going through but I found it to be such a huge blessing to be able to encourage and give gifts from my business to help others through hard times. It gave me a purpose and also helped me to realize that I was not alone in my struggle.

 

Share Your Story

I want to encourage you to share your story, because it will help more people than you know and it will also help you free yourself of some of the burden you are carrying. Find your gifts that God has given you and use them to bless and encourage others. It will encourage and bless your own heart as well.

 

It’s okay to not be okay

It’s okay to be frustrated or angry and God. He already knows how you feel and everything about your circumstance. He grieves with you. This is something I believe is not spoken about enough. I think too often we try to pretend that everything is okay and try to sugar coat what is going on. I felt guilty many times for being mad at God but I know that if I wouldn’t have struggled and wrestled with Him and asked the hard questions, I wouldn’t have depended my faith and my relationship with Him. So it’s okay to be frustrated with God but you can’t just stop there. Continue to ask God the hard questions and work through it with Him. If you do that, He will bring you through and you will come out stronger and with a deeper faith and trust in him.

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We have choices to make everyday.

            We can choose to fight or give up

            We can choose to trust God or doubt Him

            We can choose to follow Him or turn away and give up.  And I don’t know about you but I would much rather have our loving, almighty, and faithful God on                 my side to go through life with.

 

You may not know God’s purpose for your struggle but to trust that He has a purpose and will see you through whatever struggles you go through.

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Planting seeds

Just as my grandad planted a seed in my heart through sending us a verse, we can do that to others by spreading God’s word to others.  No matter how small you think it might be, God can and will use it in their lives. It could be immediate or the Holy Spirit could stir it in their hearts years down the road.

 

“So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. “ Isaiah 5:11

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Striving to Be thankful in all things in all circumstances

I remember thanking God for my pillow, a hot bath, our bed, water, a TV show I liked, etc.  It’s  almost like I had to go back to being a child by looking around the house for things to be thankful for. Do whatever it takes to find ways to praise God and think on the blessings He has given us. God will take your praises so much farther than you can imagine and will open your eyes to His blessings.  On the other side of that, if you are dwelling on the negative things the devil will take those thoughts and run with them.  So we must be purposeful in dwelling in a state of thankfulness.  Always remember- Praise silences the enemy.  “Through the praise of children you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place.” Psalm 8:1-3

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Final thought:

Continue to cling to the hope we have in Christ and in our futures. When you are in a hard or dark place, it sometimes hard to see beyond that day or circumstance, but we must dwell in hope. The Lord has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11. God has gone before and has already overcome. That alone should fill us with hope and peace. I am so thankful that I finally have relief, but I am still not yet completely healed. I strive everyday to dwell in the hope of Christ and hope for healing, however I have also seen the mountains He can move in the waiting.